Fatness vs Fitness. The great contradiction.

4 April 2017

*pictures to be updated soon*
 Discovering the world of body acceptance has been a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I formed a relationship with it, albeit a rocky one complete with ups and downs. On the other hand, the great contradiction of accepting, possibly loving my fat body and working out, among other reasons always triggers deliberate self sabotage. I was made aware of the value people put on looks  when I received more than my fair share of  vilification for not being conventionally beautiful and being as big as I am at the same time so you can imagine why I would put my workout gear away anytime my body starts looking smaller and the sudden worthiness of respect creeps its ugly self into my perfect consistent world of insults, side eyes and bullying. As much as my frustration was valid when I was suddenly 'beautiful' when my size 38 body became a different kind of size 38 in 2012, I should have expected it. All this mean is I just need to learn how to navigate a new space . So you see my dilemma here? Mind fuckery.

"I think it's boring that each time fat people (especially those who have been vocal on accepting their fat) have to do these big ass disclaimers when talking about excercise."-Nomali.

Its not the physical change that freaks me out, as traumatic as it can be no matter which side of the size chart you're heading towards.Apart from the lingering fear that someone might share photos of me while I'm in the changing rooms because being unable to unsee my naked body would be absolutely unfair and the person who decided to make a personal shopping mall out of my boxes at the campus residence storage scoring my only pair of training shoes, handheld blender, baking tray and mixer, its the guilt.
We Bigger, fatter people are still told that our bodies are completely wrong, that they need to be fixed before we dare to be comfortable in them and in spaces  We find ourselves having to fight tooth and nail to defend our humanity. worthiness and our right to unapologetically occupy these spaces and humanity so much that hitting the gym, the great corrector of fatness feels like selling out; that we're secretly craving smaller bodies and are using fat acceptance as a way to cope and justify our inherent laziness and lack of self control. When all our bodies are good enough to represent are the before photos of weight loss transformations, the butt of every fat joke which apparently are still okay, and the object and projection of slender peoples fitness fears and failures, its hard not to associate a fatty going to the gym with the societal expectations that he/she aspires to be smaller, which is absolutely nothing to be guilty for wanting if you're not happy with your body,.How can we be body positive and claim to love our temples exactly the way they are and in the same breathe swoon about how good it feels to be active again, something that is bound to change and slim and trim a fat body?

I have had my fitness on a halt and spent almost 4 years focusing on body positivity hoping to get to some kind clarity on this inner conflict, to get to some sort of destination or ending after which I can start working out again but I've come to realise that its a journey, there's no real destination and there's no reason why working out shouldn't be a part of it. Accepting my fat body and working out shouldn't be a contradiction, I shouldn't be feeling guilty.I'll be fighting a losing battle and depriving myself of the joy of endorphins and making it up to eagles nest on a hiking trail back home if I keep treating working out while fat as a kind of means to an end, as two polar opposites. The world sets fat women up for failure.We're shamed if we don't work out and shamed if we do.The best I can do for myself  is remove the rest of the world when it comes to inner conflicts about my body and do whatever the hell I want. .

So what I'm going to do now is go open an account somewhere and buy a the cheapest pair of training shoes I can find because, well, I'm broke as hell. I'll close that account as soon as I pay them off I promise. Okay I think we all know how this is going to go. Dear God I wish I could afford the new nike plus size line. *sigh*
I hope this blog post brought some clarity to me. Lord knows I can't afford to let those gym membership continue debit orders just go for mahala nje. Have you ever had this dilemma? If you're fellow fat, what does your view on body acceptance vs working out look like? Do you wanna know what I'm actually doing in that gym and my goals and stuff? Tell me in the comments below. Also, tell your fat friends about me. I need more plus girls in my life.
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  1. Haybo, what wrong with before photos? Weightloss is hard work. You say nothing is wrong with wanting to lose weight but you have a problem with before pictures?

    1. Nope. I have absolutely nothing against before picture.theres nothing wrong with celebrating reaching your weightloss goals and theres nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight. Theres nothing wrong with being unhapoy with being fat and wanting change that. But theres also nothing wrong with the opposite

      What I'm saying is, it seems as though thats all fat bodies are good enough for. Its like our humanity and capacity to live our lives are completely separated from a fat body.it doesn't give people like me a chance to accept my body and fall in love with it when the only message that accompanies a fat body screams " change yourself to be happy". Representation matters.

  2. You have a beautiful figure. I get where you are coming from with wanting to lose a bit of weight. I am a modest person who loves fashion, sometimes I am restricted by my weight to wear certain things. I am all for being healthy and not necessarily skinny

  3. ugh. I just want to lose the bit I've gained 6 months ago. I'll be chilled after that. and the fashion industry suck that it seems to demand us to lose weight before we can wear cute clothes. I mean, we are literally begging to give them our money and their message seem to be, "nope, fat people don't deserve to wear our stuff, You don't deserve to look good". Its insane!
    Thanks for reading.

  4. I know you're in SA (Canadian girl here ((waves)) and I'm broke all the time so when I joined the gym by my house I went for the cheapest one ($10CAD) a month it's the most basic one their is as its a no frills sort of place but has great equipment and is super clean....anyways where I'm going is without this place being cheap I'd feel super bad about missing a week (because life happens!) I remember when I first went (I hadn't been in a gym since highschool so 8 years) and I was terrified by how I would be perceived walking in by the counter staff and the other members. I would only go when my partner was with me and I always wore baggy clothes to hide (in my mind I was hiding). Then one day a month or two after going with my partner I decided to go one day on my own and it was one of the most beautiful liberating moments of my life because all I did was just do it. It might sound cheesey but I've got social anxiety and me going out in general can be tricky but I felt comfortable enough to try. I still worry about what people are thinking, about them taking photos of me as I'm sweating to the music but I'm getting over it.
    I get where you're coming from in terms of fat people having to explain their fitness to others. In my opinion its no ones business (but people will always be unhappy unless picking each other apart) I go not to lose weight foremost, I go because I've found it helps me mentally. The weightloss for me is a bonus...but that word doesn't fit it. It's more like an add on. Me working out does not mean I hate the body I am in. It doesn't mean that I am not happy. It means that I'm doing what makes me happy.

    1. Hi Kimberly. Thank you so much for stopping by. Wow, Canada ey? (did i use that correctly? is it "Eh" or "Ey"?That pretty cool
      And, it doesn't sound cheesy at all.I struggle with social anxiety too.And who can blame wondering what people are thinking? its warranted and valid, people can be monsters. I was you a few years ago, gym intimidated me so much, I think Ill write about it or something, and since I've worked out my issues and bought my new trainers, I think I'll find myself in that situation again at the nearby Gym. Oh if i could be lucky enough to find a cheap Gym. My membership currently converts to around $26CAD. It leaves quite a dent in my modest student budget.
      Ugh, people expecting performative "good fattie" behaviour annoys me. There is nothing i hate more than having to justify myself for being me. In fact, I've stopped.
      do you boo. Get you some endorphins and be blessed.


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